Recently, I found that my judgment has been clouded by a conflict of "inner voices" that had ultimately been disturbed by an overly extended invitation of outside influences such as peer counsel. It is only after praying about my situation and deliberately trying to set apart the various inner voices from the outer voices that led me to a conviction about a particular situation. Upon gaining insight from my personal meditation, I found the freedom to make an especially liberating decision that allowed me to attain (or possibly reattain) a peace of mind, clarity of thought, and a sense of reconciliation with my conscience. (The last point is of most significance to me and difficult to explain, but allow me to attempt to describe that later)
For the purpose of this post, I am going to use the following categories to create an organized perspective of what drives the inner voice: heart, mind, soul, and strength. Let me go out of order and start with strength.
Strength is simply the raw talent or skills acquired through work that enables one to persevere. Strength is built up over time and experience, and when you've exercised one skill or muscle after awhile, you gain confidence in knowing how to use it. As you get stronger, some obstacles can appear less daunting because through experience you know how to approach and to succeed at a particular challenge. It is the product of having gone through the motions of "working out," and as you discipline yourself to work out consistently over the long haul, you gain (or tone) strength.
Heart includes the passion and natural feelings for what you do. Heart is electric and oftentimes provides an extra jolt of energy. Sometimes heart is a motivator for the acquisition of strength. Heart is what makes you excited and inspired to approach a given situation. Heart, however, can be fickle. Heart notices the fluctuations of strength and fluctuates with it. Heart has a way of consuming and reflecting emotion for better or for worse. It is cheery when circumstances are positive and wears a frown when things are down. Heart is a powerful thing but needs a leash to keep it from running (over) you.
http://science.nationalgeographic.com/science/photos/heart/
Mind is a regulator and manipulator. It seeks logical explanation and is called to reason. It polices heart when heart utters too loudly, but it also has a way of convincing heart and strength to act together according to its direction. Mind also finds ways to use strength against the consent of heart. Mind is dangerous.
http://media.salon.com/2012/08/ravenous_brain_rect.jpg
Soul is conscience and consciousness of things not always encountered by strength, heart, and mind. It is not always consulted and perhaps easiest to ignore. Thus it is sometimes underdeveloped. It can be vague and craves definition. It can be quiet and still and bestow great clarity, but it seems to have the force to move a mountain. It can be a quiet lake of insight or a tidal wave that disturbs your inner currents. It feeds on values stemmed from faith and strong convictions. It can be influenced by outside influences but ultimately requires the will and responsibility of the individual hear it speak. Soul should not go unnoticed.
Why this system?
A few Sundays ago, the pastor at my church was preaching on Gideon and how God calls His people into situations that seem impossible and just outright stupid with incredibly bad odds. It is with faith that his people obey His commands and rush headlong into potential doom, but they stand victorious as a result of God's direction. This spoke to me. After his sermon, he invited the people of the congregation to be still and hear what God had to communicate to them personally.
The words heart, soul, and strength came to my head, and I don't know why--perhaps my not knowing explains the absence of mind (I'm sure a really clever pun could be derived from this somehow, but I am not actually intending humor...). Of course immediately my mind (again, no pun intended) was drawn to the Lord's greatest commandment: to love God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind. Then I thought, perhaps I am being called to love the opportunity I had in question as such because it was given to me by God whom I commanded to love fully.
This aforementioned situation was deciding on whether or not to pursue a particular audition. In that process, I was trying to weigh all the voices. From outside me, I received much encouragement and support--it is now that I realize that one should really be careful about reacting too easily and too strongly to these kinds of things. It seemed like most of the picture was there: I thought I had the ability and experience to prepare (strength); the thought of it sounded challenging in an exciting way (heart); it was a good school, and I had the opportunity and resources to go for it (mind). However, in the midst of this, I felt a lack of peace, and I believe that it was the soul vying for attention, crying out for a need to be heard. For some reason, the thought of going to that school (both in terms of audition and possibility of matriculation) was troubling to me.
It is only when the mind called attention to the soul that I could begin to move out of inner turmoil. Why was my soul troubled? It turns out that were moral implications I was ignoring that clashed with values held dearly by my soul. I believe I was taking up this audition out of a sense of mindless anxiousness and somewhat out of a sense of pride rather than an agreement with God that it was something I should do. I was trying to shape my future without God's consent, and the result was that I was lost and very confused. I know that for many people that sounds very loosey-goosey and doubtful, but it is stemming from my own personal convictions and history with God that I assert that to be true. I believe I have had experiences where I knew my situation was affirmed by God through his Word, my circumstances, and a sense of peace and excitement stirred in me. It is difficult to convey, but this is where I felt a sort of reconciliation with my conscience--with God. Upon realizing this moral violation and deciding against the audition, I found myself freed up from guilt and moral burden, and even to a degree, my creative capacity had been renewed as well.
Throughout the course of this episode, I kept wondering, why am I doing this? I felt that lack of peace and understanding from the onset. From the very beginning, I felt that this ordeal was about the concept of process, and I see that it is true even now. From a mundane point of view, it was about the process of learning how to prepare for deadlines. It was a last minute application, and I learned some tough lessons of what happens when you make hasty decisions like that. From a relational perspective, it was about what it looks like to trust God. To a certain degree, logically, it did not make sense for me to let go of that opportunity and to limit my opportunities. That is where faith steps in. I had to let go of that as well as my fear of shame for backing out after all the effort and talk of doing it.
All of that goes to say, this was a process of learning what it is like to disregard soul, one of the most important aspects of our humanity. My soul is largely defined by my faith in Christ and belief in God's will and providence, and I was not acting in accordance with this belief. I acted as if my soul were comprised of concepts of chance and superficial decision making. When I acted against it, I lost my sense of discernment and judgment. That is to say, I was not using it. I think God really was giving us a hint about how to live with that great commandment. When I failed to love Him with my soul, I was creating my own torment, and He was gracious enough to allow me to do so to figure it out.
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